We conducted the ultimate baseball movie player fantasy draft
Who went No. 1 overall? Which person drafted the best team?
We’ve done it.
We have officially reached peak quarantine MLB-missing levels (although shouts to the KBO for being an excellent fill-in for 66.7 percent of our newsletter contributors; as for Jake, being a kt Wiz fan is currently an insufferable experience).
To combat our sadness as temperatures soared into the 80s for Memorial Day weekend and there was no baseball being played, we conducted a fantasy draft of fictional players from baseball movies.
Let’s converse.
The rules
Fictional players only. Drafting Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson is fun and all, but not the point of what we were going for.
You could only draft someone off the talent level that they portrayed in *real time* during the movie. So, Benny the Jet’s days as a Dodger count but drafting, say, Mr. Mertle would mean you got him as The Beast-owning old man and not the superstar he previously was.
The players didn’t have to be from your traditional “baseball movies” (think Sandlot or Bull Durham. They just needed to be from a movie with a baseball scene...and even this rule gets bent a few times.
Rosters consisted of 17 players and a manager. Eight starting fielders, three bench spots, five starting pitchers and a reliever.
The draft
1ST ROUND
1. CURT: Roy Hobbs, RF/P, The Natural
Possessing the first pick in this draft was no small weight. It wasn’t like our Backyard Baseball draft, where Pablo Sanchez was the obvious pick. Hobbs, though, is so good that when he says, “When I walk down the street, people will say, ‘There goes Roy Hobbs......the best there ever was’” you don’t even question it. The final deciding factor in using the first pick on Hobbs? He can be our mega two-way player. As Sam Simpson said, he was a “slam-bang pitching prospect” that had eight no-hitters in Sabotac Valley (or moreover, Soda Pop Valley) before Harriet Bird happened. He also struck out The Whammer.
2. TOM: Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez, SS, The Sandlot
You say “baseball character from a movie” and I immediately think of The Jet. Rodriguez can literally hit the cover off the ball, and even better, hit it wherever he wants. I’ll take the Jet, with or without the PF Flyers.
3. JAKE: Dottie Hinson, C, A League of Their Own
Dottie, like the two drafted before her, has it all in an enviable, natural sort of way. This team is supposed to be incredibly fun and highly entertaining. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a better, more consistently entertaining player than Dottie.
2ND ROUND
4. JAKE: Willie Mays Hayes, CF, Major League
The first three players are undoubtedly better than Willie Mays Hayes, but Hayes is the first person I think of when we talk about fictional ballplayers. He has a panache that is exhilarating, though frustrating at times. What he lacks in bat-to-ball skills, he more than makes up for in entertainment. I will always pick uber athletic center fielders with excellent defense, unrivaled speed and a questionable bat. Also, I only recognize Wesley Snipes as Willie Mays Hayes.
5. TOM: Marla Hooch, 2B, A League of Their Own
I really, really wanted Hinson to slide to me at No. 5. That didn’t happen. So, I went for the second-best slugger on the Rockford Peaches who’s “got an eye like DiMaggio.” Don’t worry, we’ll feature Hooch in our team calendar. She’s the covergirl for the month of November.
6. CURT: Steve Nebraska, SP, The Scout
I was debating between Hobbs and Steve Nebraska with the first overall pick and ultimately figured Nebraska was obscure enough that he might fall...which is kinda wild considering this dude THREW A 27-STRIKEOUT PERFECT GAME IN THE WORLD SERIES. Oh, and he hit two solo homers in that game. And he threw 112 mph. And also was probably an All-Star level hitter.
3RD ROUND
7. CURT: Henry Rowengartner, SP, Rookie of the Year
I watched “Rookie of the Year” on Thursday night and had two takeaways: 1) That movie is underrated for how funny it is. 2) Give me the bionic-armed middle schooler who throws 100+ every time. Let’s just leave Jack Bradfield at home.
Related: I now have a very felicitous craving for Diet Pepsi.
8. TOM: Lou Collins, 1B, Little Big League
The Minnesota Twins haven’t retired the No. 4. They should. But not because of Paul Molitor. Collins’ jersey should be hanging in the Target Field rafters solely because he successfully wooed the mother of his own manager.
9. JAKE: Pedro Cerrano, 1B, Major League
I went with another Major League star with questionable contact skills because I like dingers and speed. Pedro may miss the speed part, but he’ll bring major pop to our squad. He’s a left fielder by trade but, well, we haven’t seen a body like that in the outfield since Miguel Sano and I’m not trying to live through that nightmare again.
4TH ROUND
10. JAKE: Bump Bailey, RF, The Natural
Bump quickly became a footnote in The Natural because of his dying and all but he was a star. He was the best player on an admittedly bad team, so that won’t be a problem here. He can just be a very good version of himself without the pressure to lead the team. I’m obviously taking the living version of Bump, but it’s good to know he’ll literally run through a wall for our team.
11. TOM: Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, SP, Major League
My first three picks -- Rodriguez, Hooch and Collins -- are all mild-tempered ballplayers. I needed to spice up my clubhouse, so I brought in a guy with little-to-no control over his fastball or off-the-field activities.
12. CURT: T-Rex Pennebaker, CF, Mr. 3000
One of 7-year-old Curt’s biggest regrets is not going to Miller Park for Mr. 3000 filming. He’s got the swagger that we need to go along with Hobbs’ calm demeanor and also all five tools and also a 50-homer season. Get that 40-40 season at the top of my lineup please.
5TH ROUND
13. CURT: Jack Parkman, C, Major League II
That’s back-to-back picks of egomaniacs. Look, I’m just trying to give the beat writers some good quotes. He also has a great shimmy.
14. TOM: Hayley Goodfairer, SP, Sandlot II
Since there’s no baseball to write about, we at Rich People Conversations have been writing a lot about the crushes of #YoungTom. Hayley was one of them, mostly because she threw absolute gas.
15. JAKE: “Nuke” LaLoosh, SP, Bull Durham
Putting your team in the nads of Nuke LaLoosh is terrifying, quite frankly, and I may come to regret it. Luckily, we know that Nuke needs two things to stay on track and reach his potential: a strong-minded catcher and a beautiful red-headed woman. Luckily, we have Dottie Hinson.
6TH ROUND
16. JAKE: Gus “Bus” Matthews, 3B, The Benchwarmers
Another high risk, high reward pick by yours truly. If my team is hoping to play in Williamsport, then we’re golden. Gus Bus rolls over little leaguers. Against actual big league arms, though, I’m nervous. Given some time, I think he’ll be a valuable utility infielder.
17. TOM: Kit “Hit or Die” Kesey, 3B, Angels in the Outfield
The Joker, Thanos and Kit “Hit or Die” Kesey -- the three most feared villains in the last 30 years of American cinema. People forget that Kesey was one lucky catch by a washed-up Mel Clark away from crushing the dreams of the Halos. Fun fact: Kesey was portrayed by Carney Lansford, who played 15 years in the big leagues -- his first three with the California Angels.
18. CURT: Walter “The Whammer” Whambold, LF, The Natural
Words cannot properly describe how upset I was at Tom for taking Kit Kesey at 17. There’s an argument to be made that he’s the best baseball-movie-opposing-team-villain there is. But then the words of Max Mercy (who, by the way is supposed to be a hotshot, big-time sportswriter yet is covering the lowly pre-Hobbs New York Knights?) about Whammer came to me. “Best there ever was. Best there is now and best there ever will be.” Hopefully he and Hobbs can get along.
7TH ROUND
19. CURT: Ray Mitchell, 3B, Angels in the Outfield
Third base was at a premium in this draft and, to be frank, I was not enamored at the prospect of having brittle-boned Roger Dorn there, so it came down to Mitchell or Doris Murphy. Mitchell is a plus player across the board at a key defensive spot and was the only guy on the Angels that could hit without the help of, um, angels. We will not be pinch-hitting for him.
20. TOM: Harley Quinn, Bench, Suicide Squad
Look, it was late at night and I wanted to get weird with it. Does drafting a bench player before multiple starters make any sense? No. But the fact that Quinn always carries around a baseball bat qualifies her for this draft, and I needed her on my roster before the other two hooligans scooped her up.
21. JAKE: Billy Chapel, SP, For the Love of the Game
This draft could have gone a lot of ways, but Harley Quinn going before a guy who threw a perfect game against the New York Yankees is not how I expected things to go. He’s an absolute steal at pick 21. We’re supposed to believe Chapel isn’t all that good anymore because he starts the game 8-11 and lucked into a perfect game at 40-years-old. Not so fast. In 1999, Chapel posted a 3.55 ERA before the perfect game with 111 strikeouts in 211 innings. That ERA would have been more than a whole run below league average for starters (4.86) that year. Sure, a 4.7 K/9 isn’t what you want, but that’s not too crazy far off the 6.1 league average. Greg Maddux threw 219-1/3 innings in 1999 with a 3.57 ERA and 5.58 K/9. You connect the dots.
8TH ROUND
22. JAKE: Donny Donowitz, Bench, Inglourious Basterds
TEDDY F@#$^&G BALLGAME. He’d absolutely start if I had any earthly idea where to play him in the field but, given that he says “Batter up, you’re on deck” to someone, I can’t say I trust his baseball instincts beyond the visceral “see (eye)ball, hit (eye)ball.”
23. TOM: Crash Davis, C, Bull Durham
How did Crash fall to No. 23 overall? I’ll gladly take him as my backstop. Last summer, I watched Bull Durham the night before one of my town ball games. Like Crash, I confidently walked up to the plate, muttered “C’mon, meat. Throw me that weak-ass sh*t.” … and proceeded to strike out on three pitches. Welp.
24. CURT: Clu Haywood, 1B, Major League
First things first. Donny Donowitz getting taken in a fictional baseball movie player draft was my favorite thing that happened the entire time we did this.
Now, to Clu Haywood. Our introduction to him in the film involves him asking Jake Taylor, “How’s your wife and my kids?” followed by Bob Uecker/Harry Doyle informing us that he led the American League in homers last year. Then he mashes a grand slam. Uecker later informs us he leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. Clu Haywood is good at baseball and also played by Pete Vukovich, unjust 1982 AL Cy Young winner.
9TH ROUND
25. CURT: Kelly Leak, 2B, Bad News Bears
No, Kelly Leak is not a second baseman in the movie. But he shows he’s versatile by moving around positions. He also smokes and he rides a Harley. He’s the best athlete in the movie. It is quite obvious that he does what he wants. In this case, he wants to play second base.
26. TOM: Brooks, LF, The Rookie
Nothing represents my love for the game of baseball like the scene with Jimmy Morris and Brooks (he doesn’t have a last name, smh) in the locker room before a game. It’s such a simple yet powerful quote. Enjoy.
27. JAKE: Tanner Boyle, SS, Bad News Bears
Omg my team is going to be so fun. We’re going to talk so much crap. We’re probably going to have the worst infield defense you’ve ever seen. It’s probably going to go poorly for team chemistry. It’s going to be a blast. In Tanner Boyle, I might be getting the actual exact opposite of Dottie and I’m completely good with it.
10TH ROUND
28. JAKE: Amanda Whurlitzer, SP, Bad News Bears
Back-to-back moody blondes for my squad, Dottie is seriously going to hate me. At least Whurlitzer throws gas, though.
29. TOM: Carlos, SP, The Benchwarmers
In one three-minute clip, we watched Carlos bribe an umpire, mash three taters, embarrass three hitters, make a catch in center field and pick up a girl in the stands -- all while putting down half a bottle of Tequila and smoking a heater. By the way, David Spade’s swing will always make me laugh.
30. CURT: Roger Bowman, MANAGER, Angels in the Outfield
THE FIRST MANAGER IS OFF THE BOARD. Roger Bowman is definitely not a baseball manager in the movie and the reports are that the locals are questioning the move to hire a 10-year-old whose life is far from stable to lead a baseball team. But Roger has the ability to, and I cannot stress this enough, call upon literal angels to help the team of his choosing. No amount of tactics can replace Supernatural WAR.
At least he has some big league dugout experience?
11TH ROUND
31. CURT: Eddie Harris, SP, Major League
One motto of this team is that We Embrace Cheaters. (More on this later, as well. Also, yes, having angels help you win games on the field is cheating. Just because they’re divine doesn’t mean it’s in the CBA). Harris is getting up there in age, but his Vaseline/Snot Ball helped keep him as the ace of the Indians.
32. TOM: “All the Way” Mae Mordabito, CF, A League of Their Own
“It’s not just a name, it’s an attitude.” Even though Mae’s nickname is clearly only about baseball (and nothing else), I’m worried about having a bit too much team chemistry between her and Crash. Oh well.
33. JAKE: Ham Porter, C, The Sandlot
Ham Porter dropping to 33 might be the most surprising thing of the draft to me--OK, aside from the Harley Quinn thing. That really shook me. But Ham is a perfect partner to Tanner Boyle. Or perhaps the absolutely worst. Our clubhouse is either going to be the most entertaining one you’ve ever seen or a total dumpster fire that requires medical and psychological treatment.
12TH ROUND
34. JAKE: Miles “Big Poppa” Pennfield, SP, Hardball
Hardball is an underrated baseball movie and Miles Pennfield is the most memorable character that doesn’t die. John Wick dancing to Biggie Smalls at a baseball game is just a serious collision of all of my interests, so Miles was an obvious choice.
35. TOM: John “Blackout” Gatling, RP, Little Big League
On a roster filled with vices, Blackout’s need for a wad of tobacco the size of a nectarine to get through high-leverage situations is more than welcome.
36. CURT: Taka Tanaka, Bench, Major League: Back to the Minors
In a beautiful fate of irony, we end up with both Jack Parkman and the guy the Indians traded him to Chicago for. Tanaka will come off the bench as a high-energy, toolsy player that will run into walls (and not die while doing so; yes, this is a subtweet) or use his bare hand to make catches.
13TH ROUND
37. CURT: Jack Elliot, Bench, Mr. Baseball
Another bench bat and also another guy that’s likely to punch a reporter in the face. But not only do we see Elliot grow as a person over the course of the movie, but he also ties a Japanese league record with seven straight games with a homer. He also pulls a Stan Ross and bunts when he should be swinging for a gap, which we will coach out of him.
38. TOM: Bertram Grover Weeks, Bench, The Sandlot
Who’s going to supply the tobacco to Blackout? Bertram Grover Weeks, of course! Big Chief. The best!
39. JAKE: Kit Keller, SP, A League of Their Own
I’m really hoping Kit and Dottie have put their differences aside at this point. When she’s on, Kit is a star. While Dottie’s excellence appears effortless, Kit clearly puts in the effort, and that’s valuable in the later rounds. She may be overly competitive, especially with her sister, but I couldn’t turn down a player who can hit and pitch. I look to her to fill a Michael Lorenzen-like role.
14TH ROUND
40. JAKE: Yeah-Yeah McClennan, 2B, The Sandlot
Um, have you seen Yeah-Yeah McClennan recently? I know that has no relevance to this draft, but I thought you needed to see this. Ultimately, I needed a second baseman and he was the best available. If Donny Donowitz can play the field at all, he’ll likely take McClennan’s spot.
41. TOM: Lou Brown, MANAGER, Major League
With the assortment of characters -- good and bad -- on my roster, I wanted an old-school, no-nonsense manager to run my team. Lou’s pregame speeches hit different.
42. CURT: King Kelly, SP, It Happens Every Spring
This man invented a substance that repels wood. I don’t know what else I could say to justify or explain this pick any more.
Sure, there’s a bit of a risk in taking a guy who would be absolutely worthless if he were caught doctoring baseballs, but let’s be honest here: Major League Baseball took like 28 months to “punish” the Astros for very clearly cheating despite multiple complaints asking for an investigation. King Kelly can survive a season with his ball that literally cannot be hit.
15TH ROUND
43. CURT: Kenny DeNunez, RP, The Sandlot
I had zero intentions of getting shut out of drafting The Sandlot players. And considering DeNunez went on to pitch in the minors, he was probably the second-best player of the bunch. DeNunez did give up a tater to Hamilton, but he pitched a gem in the showdown with the Biker Gang.
44. TOM: Triscuit Messmer, Bench, Angels in the Outfield
Is there a better celebration in baseball? Messmer might not have a great bat, but he makes up for it by appreciating the postgame spread unlike anyone else. He’s basically the anti-Randy Moss.
45. JAKE: Jimmy Dugan, MANAGER, A League of Their Own
OK, this was an incredibly tough choice. I considered Conor O’Neill (Hardball) and Pop Fisher (The Natural) but both had players die on their watch. So, yeah, they were out. I really considered Morris Buttermaker, but I ended up with a different alcoholic instead. Jimmy Dugan was a drunk who lost his best player because her husband came home from the war and he still guided his team to the championship. He only lost it because his best player finally returned and threw the game to help her sister feel better. Now that I write that out, I realize all of that probably isn’t good. Second time’s the charm?
16TH ROUND
46. JAKE: Bobby Rayburn, LF, The Fan
I get to take Wesley Snipes again, so I’m happy. Incredible value here, assuming Robert De Niro doesn’t kill members of my team. See why I didn’t want Pop or Conor around?
47. TOM: Ben Williams, RF, Angels in the Outfield
Alright, alright, alright.
48. CURT: Pat Corning, SS, Little Big League
I’m gonna be honest with you here. I had no idea who was even left to take at shortstop, but I knew I needed one. I also knew I needed a Little Big League out of principle. Insert Pat Corning, who is excellent at the hidden ball trick and also just looks like he’s a 90s shortstop.
17TH ROUND
49. CURT: Edward Cullen, Bench, Twilight
Ah, yes, it’s time for debate. Is Twilight a baseball movie? The people are discussing.
There’s a scene in one of the movies where the vampires, for some reason, decide to go play baseball. One of the vampires hits a rocket, probably about 600 feet or so. “That’s gotta be a home run, right?” asks Bella. “Edward’s very fast,” replies Edward’s mom. She is correct. He shows this off by chasing the ball down in hyperspeed and then chucking a 600-foot seed to the plate to beat the runner. I don’t really remember the premise of these movies, but I am positive Eddy Cullen can obliterate teams with that speed.
50. TOM: Happy Gilmore, SP, Happy Gilmore
We stan Happy, our OBP king. He’s not going to get many hits -- actually, he’ll probably go to the plate without a bat -- but he’s clearly not afraid to take one for the team. I’ll be honest -- I wanted Gilmore as a bench player. But since my roster was already filled with position players, I slotted him as a starting pitcher due to his cannon of an arm that consistently hurls balls, clubs and flagpoles throughout the movie.
51. JAKE: Rigoberto Sanchez, SP, Trouble with the Curve
A lefty with a smooth motion and nasty breaker at pick 51? Yes, please.
18TH ROUND
52. JAKE: Eddie Ogden, Bench, Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off
Our team is full of angst and could have some chemistry concerns, but you know what brings people together? Food. Food brings people together. So, we’re bringing in a chef with some baseball skills as our last bench option.
53. TOM: Joey Turner, SP, Bad News Bears
Throw the ball, Joey! I needed an arm and -- more importantly -- another villain to go along with “Hit or Die” Kesey, Harley Quinn and Carlos. Welcome, Joseph.
54. CURT: Air Bud, Bench, Air Bud
Look, we’ve already defied logic. There’s a dude on my team whose fastball repels wood, another that’s a vampire and another that can summon angels to help out his team. Also Happy Gilmore was taken. So, yes, we are taking a Very Good Boy who also just so happens to be good enough at baseball to win the World Series MVP(?!!!???). Buddy is the greatest athlete of all time.
Slightly related: I am incredibly sad that Heddo from Rookie of the Year was not taken.
Who won?
TEAM CURT
TEAM JAKE
TEAM TOM
