The very best baseball Cameos money can buy
Creating the most interesting lineup of personalized videos from baseball players possible.
Happy Monday, fellow rich people.
Daniel Robertson!
Not excited yet? Interesting. Well then.
Jace Peterson!!!
If that doesn’t get you amped up for baseball season then I don’t know have anything else to say. That’s because, well, there are no other names of Milwaukee or Minnesota free agent signings to say.
Let’s converse.
Cameo! All the cool kids are doing it!**
What is Cameo?
This is possibly what you asked upon reading the headline. It’s okay. It’s what my wife asked when I told her what we went with for this week’s outrageous newsletter theme because we didn’t have the will to put 700 words down on Daniel Robertson, a guy who isn’t even the first D-Rob that comes to mind among active baseball players and not even like top 10 among all-time D-Rob athletes.
Cameo, in short, is a platform that allows customers to exchange money in return for a personalized video from a celebrity/athlete/otherwise famous person. It can be a birthday greeting for a friend, a congratulations message for a big life event, a pep talk or, well, I guess anything? The prices vary based upon who is recording the video. The bigger the name, the more dough you’re gonna pay.
The three of us have spent far too much time browsing the names on Cameo in the past despite never actually spending money on the site. The task for this week’s newsletter was simple: you get $500 hypothetical to spend to build your own ultimate Cameo baseball team. The key isn’t to build the best baseball team but the best collection of baseball Cameos that $500 will buy you.
Tom’s Cameo Team
Admittedly, I put way too much research into this project. I spent all afternoon scrolling through Cameo like a mid-twenties Tik Tok addict who’s trying to stay “with it.”
Before I began my baseball-specific search, I scoured Cameo just to see what celebrities think they’re worth. It was fascinating. Caitlyn Jenner was the most expensive celebrity I found at $2,500, just slightly lower than the price of this newsletter. A one-minute video featuring Snoop Dogg will cost you $750. Sarah Jessica Parker’s stock has, uh, slightly declined, as she’s asking for a humble $300. Kevin O’Leary, better known as Mr. Wonderful on “Shark Tank,” was valued at $1,200. Imagine giving a near-billionaire $1,200 buckaroos.
And for that reason, I’m out.
The two most expensive baseball players I found on the website are David Ortiz and Mariano Rivera, both listed at $750 -- the same price as D-O-Double-G. Would you like to pay rent or have Big Papi wish your girlfriend a happy birthday? That’s up to you. Also, A*brey H*ff thinks his videos are worth $100. Sweet biscuits. What an idiot.
Guys, I can’t stress this enough. I watched a lot of very, very bad Cameos. I think in 99% of the videos I viewed, the celebrity would mumble something like “COVID-19 sucks. 2020 was the worst. Let’s leave it in the rearview mirror.”
So when I compiled my Cameo squad, I wanted to make sure my videos would have a little juice. A little creativity. A little energy. Without further ado, let’s get to it -- here’s my $500 Cameo lineup, from cheapest to most expensive.
Devin Smeltzer - $19
I’d like to speak with Smeltzer’s agent. And I’d also like to send in an application to become Smeltzer’s new agent. Who the heck told Smeltzer that he’s only worth $19? I haven’t seen a cheaper MLB player on this money-grabbing site. Smeltzer charges less than “Bald Vinny” Milano, who apparently is the leader of the New York Yankees “Bleacher Creature” roll call and asks for $25 per video. And why is Smeltzer’s price $19 instead of $20? There has to be some sort of Cameo sabermetrics I’m not aware of. Anyway, I’m paying for Smeltzer just for the value alone.
Dustin Tatro $20
You won’t see Tatro toeing the rubber in the big leagues. You won’t watch him dig into the batter’s box. But what you’ll see -- aside from a one-minute video hitting your inbox -- is Tatro tickling the ivories at Globe Life Field as the official organist of the Texas Rangers. My first request for Tatro will be for him to play “Promiscuous” on the organ, simply because that song slaps.
Brent Suter - $25
Would you like a Cameo from Jim Carrey? Forrest Gump? Gollum from “Lord of the Rings”? Well, BUY NOW and you can purchase all three in a cheap package for $25. (Wow, that really read like an infomercial.) Milwaukee fans are well aware of Suter’s impressions, but just in case you’re not, please educate yourself. All that for the price of a boujee breakfast burrito? I’m in.
Brett Phillips $30
WORLD SERIES HERO BRETT MAVERICK PHILLIPS IS ON CAMEO! Even if he just laughed for one minute straight, it’d be worth the price of admission. Also, Phillips’ Cameo stock has to be the highest it ever will be right now. Thirty bones is a bargain.
Torii Hunter - $150
WARNING: Do not ask Torii to wish your friend a happy birthday on Cameo. Ask him anything else. We all remember how it went down the last time he attended a birthday bash.
Hunter Pence $250
You can keep your Hall of Famers, your batting champs, your problematic former Cy Young award winners. I’m balling out on Hunter effing Pence. Possibly the strangest-looking baseball player to ever see the field, Pence has the hair of a Tik Tok star and the energy of a Christian youth minister on a Monday game night. I mean, the man just exudes happiness. That’s a $250 smile.
Well, I’m $6 under my budget at $494. I’m definitely going to bring this up at my next meeting with my financial advisor. Since there’s no one on Cameo taking requests for less than that, I’ll stop there and invest the remaining bucks in bitcoin.
Jake’s Cameo Team
The internet is a wonderful place.
Well. Let me take that back. It’s actually a horrible place. But every once in awhile, you find one small corner that makes it all worth it.
Oh, Rich People Conversations is that for you? [blushes] Aw, shucks.
For years, that corner of the internet for the three of us has been Cameo. Only on Cameo can you compare the self-worth of Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Beans from Even Stevens ($45!) and the Beautiful Soul of Jesse McCartney.
Where else can you pay 12 hard-earned dollars on a birthday message from PUGGY SMALLS?
My only intent with my All-Cameo team was to be as spicy as possible. That’s my goal with everything in life, to be candid. Don’t worry, I still kept it baseball-centric...mostly.
Charlie Berens ($75)
The Manitowoc Minute legend is here and under $100, so this is a no-brainer. One could argue he’s not related to baseball but he did a hilarious spot for FOX Sports Wisconsin once so he’s officially a Brewer in my mind.
How I’d use this video: To trash talk my fellow RPC writers in our fantasy baseball league.
Matt Garza ($25)
Much like his entire tenure with the Minnesota Twins, Garza is undervalued on Cameo. (Brewers fans, look away). I want to make amends on behalf of the entire Twins organization and hook my guy up with a crisp $20...and a crisp $5...all digitally.
How I’d use this video: IDK, I just want that swagger back in my life.
Ozzie Guillen ($50)
If there’s anyone that’s going to say something crazy, it’s Ozzie Guillen. That totally seems worth it for $50.
How I’d use this video: Pep talk.
Ryan Lavarnway ($15)
The former Boston Red Sox catcher was probably the first prospect I really fell for and, um, it didn’t work out super great. I last saw him catching for Team Israel during the last World Baseball Classic and this was a seminal moment for me for one very important reason: this was when I was introduced to Christian Yelich’s mom.
How I’d use his video: For my brother’s birthday. No one loved Ryan Lavarnway more than my brother. Sorry, Mama Lavarnway.
Boog Sciambi ($40)
If there’s one thing I know about my good pal, Curt, it’s that he HATES the Cubs. Well, guess who’s the new voice of the Cubs? I’m petty enough that I very well may spend $40 just to mess with Curt. I will not rule it out.
How I’d use this video: To mess with Curt.
Julio Rodriguez ($31)
I saw this photo recently of a Julio Rodriguez signature.
I respect it so much, even though it looks like Tom Dierberger signed it. I just want this energy in my life.
How I’d use this video: Motivation; his Cameo account literally says “DON’T LET NOBODY SET YOUR LIMITS.” I honestly might just have him say that for 60 seconds.
Jim “The Rookie” Morris ($50)
I have a confession: I drafted Jim Morris when we did our Baseball Movie Player draft but had no idea he was real. After nine months of embarrassment, I finally get to take the former old rookie.
How I’d use his video: For a pep talk, I guess? He’s apparently a motivational speaker now, so he probably has some good things to say when I’m contemplating my quarter-life crisis.
Amir Garrett ($150)
By nature, I’m not a confrontational person. There are moments, though, where I probably should be, and I think Amir Garrett can help me with that. I just need to learn how to get confidence like this:
How I’d use this video: Right before the next time I meet an election conspiracy theorist.
Dick Bremer ($50)
Wait, you’re telling me the voice of the Minnesota Twins can tell me sweet nothings for just $50?! How have I not already spent this money??? I’m putting Dick Bremer this low on my list because my wife only reads the first few paragraphs of every newsletter and DADDY HAS $50 TO SPEND.
How I’d use this video: Bedtime story.
Curt’s Cameo Team
We’ve already laid the ground rules for this wacky experiment that may or may not have made me almost drop multiple hundreds of dollars more than once, but I would like to add one brief note before I jump into my squad.
I am officially declaring that I am going pro on Cameo.
Okay, well kind of. No, I’m not actually on the site. I’m not even a big enough deal to not get confused with a high school student while covering prep basketball for work, much less cool enough to get that platform to pop my face on it. (Brief tangent: there are sports reporters on there, which feels….weird?)
I, however, am now accepting Venmo payments to record a video to send to your father-in-law to wish him a happy work anniversary or congratulate him on winning your fantasy league. #CameoCyrt is here, baby.
Tony Kemp - $100
Okay, no I’m not adding Tony Kemp to my team. Not for $10 and definitely not for the price tag of $100. That’s as much as Rollie Fingers!!
Cameo, where capitalism gets a little crazy.
Geoff Jenkins - $39
I would simply like Geoff Jenkins’ message to include three (3) things: 1) Telling me that I am handsome. 2) Re-enacting a Brett Favre Wranglers commercial. 3) Unleashing his (and our collective) anger at Dusty Baker for not playing him in the 2003 All-Star Game.
Scott Podsednik - $40
This should come as no surprise to anyone who follows this newsletter. Scott Podsednik made an entire fanbase fall in love with his astonishing good looks and, despite this, I was still his biggest fan as an eight-year-old boy. I loved Scotty Pods. I cried when I found out he was traded for Carlos Lee after the 2004 season. I write this with no shame. I would still cry over losing Scott Podsednik.
Carlos Gomez - $75
The namesake of this newsletter recording a video wishing me a good morning before rapping a Drake song and discussing how Joey Votto can eat it for trying to make the umpire check Gomez’s glove after he robbed him to end the game??? I…might actually spend the money on this?!? Please don’t tell my wife.
Related: can we get Joey Votto on Cameo? The world needs this.
Tate Matheny - $10
I don’t know who this guy is. My request would simply be asking Tate Matheny to describe who, exactly, he is. I gain knowledge. And at $10, it’s a little money in his pocket. A win-win if I’ve ever seen one.
Tony La Russa - $150
Can you have the person on Cameo say whatever you want them to? And, aside from obviously Very Bad Things, I mean whatever you want?
It’s the heftiest price tag in our shopping cart, but getting “I’m a Hall of Fame baseball person” on video would be priceless.
Tony Gwynn Jr - $50
I’m not sure what, exactly, I’d have Tony Gwynn Jr. talk about. It might be something delicious and generally agreeable. Like tacos. “Discuss tacos for 60 seconds, please,” the request would say. Or perhaps I would ask him about his politics. Either way, I am envisioning Tony Gwynn Jr. and I being good friends.
Jemile Weeks - $75
Is this an egregious overpay at a 50 on the CDPW (Cameo Dollars Per WAR) scale? Absolutely. Does it get us a shot at getting Rickie Weeks? Also absolutely.
Royce Clayton - $45
My late grandmother was one of the biggest Brewers fans in existence. She did not like Royce Clayton. I hope he doesn’t hold this against me.
Aramis Ramirez - $15
Well, here I am, sitting with all of $16 left. That leaves me with limited possibilities, including Tim Dillard, Lewis Thorpe and AJ Vukovich, the 2020 draft pick of the Arizona Diamondbacks out of East Troy High School near Milwaukee. None of those really make all that sense to add to my final lineup spot, especially Vukovich, who I’ve done a few stories on and could just message asking for a motivational video in what would undoubtedly not be a weird exchange at all.
Aramis was the clear choice. He’s got some apologizing to do. If you’re a Brewers fan, you know what Bad Thing he did to hurt you. If you’re not familiar, then you’re the reason I had to search the web for the box score from the very first baseball game that ever truly scarred me.