The complete encyclopedia of the Twins ruining Byron Buxton Moments
The Twins need ice cream cakes to get through this slump. Lots of ice cream cakes.
Happy Tuesday, fellow rich people—or as I like to call it, My Birthday.
Sure, the day is all about when I first graced the earth 26 full years ago, but this newsletter is about you. So let’s get to it.
Introducing the Ice Cream Cake Meter
The RPC group chat covers many topics, ranging from being a Dogs Of RPC Chat (newsletter beginning soon) to a Wedding Advice For Tom Chat, but, naturally, nothing is discussed more than baseball. And, boy, have those discussions been devoid of joy as of late as the Twins have been in a seemingly eternal struggle.
After the first depressing Twins loss during this current skid, I offered to bring ice cream cake five hours to the Twin Cities to cope. Little did we know that just about every game over the next three weeks would be a cause for ice cream cake.
Enter the Ice Cream Cake Meter.
On a scale of one cake to five cakes, we’ll gauge where both the Brewers and Twins are at the moment. Five ice cream cakes is the worst state of despair in which you eat the entire cake after Alex Colome blows his fifth game of the week.
Twins Ice Cream Cake Meter
Things are very much so not good in Twins Territory. I don’t even want to see what it takes to get to the full Five Cakeland.
Brewers Ice Cream Cake Meter
It was teetering in One Cake range until Corbin Burnes gave up actual runs and the Brewers got shutout on Monday. Two cakes for you.
When Byron Buxton’s heroics aren’t enough
~Tom
I didn’t have cable growing up, so I ended up watching a ton of episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond” on 45 (say it with me, *forty-five*) TV. From what I recall, the sitcom, starring comedian Ray Romano, was the story of a sportswriter who was married to a gal named Debra and lived across the street from his parents.
But here’s the thing: that’s all I remember from that show.
In the digital age where .GIFs of Michael Scott and memes of a 55-year-old chubby guy named Ed from “90 Day Fiance” reign king, you never come across a reference to “Everybody Loves Raymond” on the internet. People definitely enjoyed the show when it aired -- I sure did -- but it’s not a part of popular culture these days.
See, I remember watching hours and hours of this television show, but there’s not a specific episode or storyline -- or even a funny, wisecracking line that I can think of.
That’s because it never had a signature moment.
In “Mad Men,” it’s when Don Draper yells at Peggy Olson, “THAT’S WHAT THE MONEY’S FOR!” In “Breaking Bad,” it’s the bone-chilling line from an extremely cocky Walter White saying, “I am the one who knocks!”
I realize comparing “Everybody Loves Raymond” to two of the greatest television shows in history isn’t fair. But let’s look at comedies. It’s Ross yelling “PIVOT!” while carrying a couch up the stairs in “Friends.” Ron Swanson asking for “no, all the bacon and eggs you have” in Parks & Rec. And who could forget Troy walking into a room of pure chaos in “Community”?
Thomas, where are you going with this?
Like “Everybody Loves Raymond,” Byron Buxton doesn’t have a signature moment on the field.
Close your eyes and picture Buxton playing baseball. Did your mind jump to a specific game or play? Maybe it’s one of his two career walk-off hits? But that’s it.
This article wasn’t written to roast Buck. Quite the opposite, actually. Because just about every time Buxton makes a highlight-reel grab or clutch hit late in a ball game that would qualify for a signature moment, the Twins always seem to find a way to blow it, and Buck’s big play is robbed of the headline it deserves.
We witnessed perhaps the greatest example of this phenomenon last Wednesday at the RingCentral Coliseum (editor’s note: no, seriously, that’s what the stadium is called. I even looked it up out of astonishment to make sure). The Twins were clinging to a 10-9 advantage over Oakland in the sixth inning when Matt Olson sent a ball to the gap. But Buxton was there.
His catch preserved Minnesota’s lead at 10-9, but of course, the Twins just couldn’t finish the job. Matt Chapman drove in a run with a sacrifice fly in the ninth, and we entered *gulp* extra innings.
But Buck was having none of it.
He skied a pitch out of the park for a two-run lead in the 10th inning. In the bottom half of the inning, the Twins infamously flubbed back-to-back ground balls with runners on base and lost 13-12.
As that game unfolded, all I could do was chuckle. It’s been happening for Buxton’s entire career. RPC history lesson, incoming:
SEPT. 17, 2016
Ervin Santana (#SMELLBASEBALL) pitched a gem at Citi Field, holding the New York Mets scoreless through seven innings. Minnesota and New York were locked in a 1-1 tie heading into the top of the 11th, when a young Buxton dug in. Hansel Robles (hey, we know him!) let a pitch sail inside and Buxton smacked it into the Empire State sky for a 2-1 lead.
Great, right? Wrong.
Another former friend of the newsletter, Curtis Granderson pulverized an 0-1 pitch from Brandon Kintzler into the seats to tie the game once more. And in the 12th, Granderson stepped up again and mashed a Ryan O’Rourke pitch even deeper into the bleachers.
Twins lose, 3-2.
APRIL 16, 2019
On this night, Rocco Baldelli slotted Willians Astudillo in the No. 4 spot of his lineup for the Twins’ tilt with Toronto, which was a choice. Anyways, the Eric Sogard-led Blue Jays took a 6-4 lead into the bottom of the ninth at Target Field. Marwin “Trash Can” Gonzalez powered a homer to close the gap to one run, and Nelson Cruz walked to make things interesting. C.J. Cron grounded into a fielder’s choice and Mitch Garver whiffed, bringing up Buck with one runner at first base and two outs.
What did our guy do? He ripped an 0-1 pitch into the corner.
Cron was off to the … well, it wasn’t the races. The most surprising “Bomba Squad” contributor was given the green light to sprint home and was thrown out by approximately 500 feet (I checked Statcast, this is correct *wink*).
Another signature moment ruined.
Twins lose, 6-5.
JUNE 12, 2019
Minnesota trailed 6-4 to Seattle heading into the final frame when Mariners reliever Anthony “Large Mouth” Bass toed the rubber. He surrendered a single to Miguel Sano to start the inning and got Buxton to chop a pitch foul. But then, BOOM. Buxton hammered the next pitch into the bullpen to tie the game at 6.
And then, the Twins collapsed. With runners at second and third and one out in the top of the 10th, Mallex Smith hit a two-hopper to Cron at first base. Dee Strange-Gordon was running on contact from third base and would’ve been out by five feet … if Mitch Garver would have caught the ball. Later in the inning, Sano couldn’t handle a chopper and delivered a toss into the Mariners dugout.
Twins lose, 9-6.
APRIL 6, 2021
Losing 3-2 to future Hall of Famer Akill Baddoo and the Detroit Tigers, Buxton knotted things up in the eighth inning with a pimped-out dinger to left field.
You guessed it. (And probably remember it.) Baddoo, the longtime Twins prospect who was selected by Detroit in this year’s Rule 5 Draft, notched the game-winning single off Robles in the 10th inning for a 4-3 win.
Twins lose, 4-3
APRIL 11, 2021
First at-bat: Single to left field
Second at-bat: Double to right field
Third at-bat: Home run to center field
Wait, the Twins were up 6-0 in this game? You’re not telling me …
Oh, but reader, I am telling you. Buxton was a triple short of the cycle and helped the Twins build a 6-0 lead over Seattle, only to watch Kyle Seager morph into the body of 1997 Ken Griffey Jr. and steal the game away for the Mariners.
Twins lose, 9-6
And now I’m sad.
In search of optimism
~Jake
ISO Optimism
Last week, I wrote about Willians Astudillo pitching mostly because everything else at Target Field was going poorly and I needed some optimism. Well, here we are a week later and things don’t feel all that much better. The Twins dropped three to the Oakland A’s, including a real kick-in-the-jewels 13-12 loss in which Alex Colome continued to be bad and the Twins ended the game on back-to-back errors by Travis Blankenhorn and Luis Arraez.
That 10 minute span feels like the encapsulation of the team’s season that includes failed COVID-19 prevention, bullpen implosions, numerous injuries and series losses to Not Good Teams.
If it isn’t already apparent, I need more optimism. So, that’s what this is; I’m turning over rocks, looking down dark Baseball Reference pages and scanning Twitter for any reason to feel good about where the Twins are at. It took way too long to do.
Have you heard of Byron Buxton?
Buxton is an RPC favorite for obvious reasons and my man is mashing. I’m not going to do the whole “He’s finally healthy” trope for a couple of reasons: 1. We’re not even a month into the season. 2. He may not be healthy. He’s already missed a few games with non-COVID-related illness and a tight hamstring, so he’s not exactly at 100%, and he’ll probably miss a number of other games this year. For now, though, it’s a ton of fun.
When Buck was in the minors, he went on some legendary tears that led to him being the top-ranked prospect in all of baseball. We’re finally getting one of those legendary tears in the big leagues, and it’s my biggest source of joy right now.
Oldies but goodies
The Twins are a, hmm, what’s the best way to say this...experienced team. They have the oldest pitching staff in baseball, with an average age of 30.8 years old, and the 12th oldest batters (28.9 years old). At the plate, it’s the veterans who have been getting the job done, too. Both 41-year-old Nelson Cruz and 35-year-old Josh Donaldson are off to hot starts this season, hitting 182 and 151 wRC+, respectively. This is specifically a point for optimism because this is where the season could go wrong. Cruz and Donaldson are the heart of the Twins lineup and if they fall off, Minnesota could have a hard time recovering. Though Minnesota is off to a rough start, it’s not because of these greybeards.
Speaking of greybeards, the 37-year-old JA Happ is also looking good in his 15th big league season. He has a 1.69 ERA in three 2021 starts despite middling peripheral stats. He even took a no-no into the 8th inning the other day against the Pittsburgh Pirates. I wouldn’t expect Happ to continue this hot start but I’m optimistic about Cruz and Donaldson.
Taylor Rogers, vengeance seeker
Right before the season started, Michael Baumann of the Ringer wrote that Alex Colome was the best reliever since pre-injury Glen Perkins.
At the moment, I could only see that as Taylor Rogers erasure, and I’ve been heated ever since. I know it was just a throw away line from a national baseball writer and it doesn’t matter. I know. But I view every Taylor Rogers appearance with that in mind and I view every Alex Colome appearance with that in mind (and tears in my eyes).
Rogers has been incredible, and I have no doubt it’s to avenge the Michael Baumann libel. The lefty has yet to allow a run this year and is averaging 10.61 strikeouts per nine with a puny 1.06 FIP. He’s not just getting lucky; he’s been stellar.
Math formula for the win
Hey, do you see me? I’m way at the bottom of this rabbit hole, looking for optimism. I think I found something. Every team in baseball has a standard win-loss record (duh) and a Pythagorean win-loss record (less duh). A Pythagorean expectation is, aside from a super nerdy term, a concept developed by Sabermetric legend Bill James that indicates what the team’s record should be based on runs allowed and runs scored. The actual result is obviously what matters more, but the Pythagorean win-loss record indicates if a team has overachieved or underachieved.
OK, so with all of that said, the Twins are underachieving according to their Pythagorean record. Though their actual record is 7-14, Minnesota’s Pythagorean record is....9-12. Yes, I know it’s just a two game difference and 9-12 wouldn’t exactly make them a World Series contender, but it is still notable. According to Baseball-Reference, that two-game difference, which they call -2 Luck, is tied for the worst mark in baseball.
Early in the struggles, I thought a lot about the one-run losses, often because of a leaky bullpen. I kept telling myself that at least the Twins still had a good run differential and they would turn things around. Since then, the run differential has dropped (it’s now -11, which is 25th in the bigs). Nevertheless, it’s still close to average and it’s one blowout away from turning things around.
Brewers gymnasts
~Curt
Kolten Wong has been impressive for the Brewers since coming off the injured list on Friday in Chicago, but what caught my eye most wasn’t anything that he did with the bat or the glove.
In the seventh inning of Sunday’s win over the Cubs, Wong came to bat against Alec Mills.
Facing a 2-2 count, Wong was likely looking for one of Mills’ soft, spinning nightmares that would break out over the plate. What he got instead was a 90 mph fastball buzzing by his head and, although a noted hit-by-pitch aficionado, he wisely decided that it would be better to just get out of the way of this one.
So, Wong did this.
I was impressed. Sure, it could just be that I always let the President down in the sit-and-reach portion of his fitness challenge in high school, but I simply couldn’t look away from what Wong did.
Right after coming within inches of a fastball leaving an imprint on his nose, his shins practically go parallel with the ground….while shifting all of his weight back toward the ground in the dirt in the opposite direction.
Sure, sure, these are professional athletes and all, but HOW? How do you do that without falling over or tearing your knees or rolling an ankle??
The play got me to thinking: who would be the best gymnasts on the Brewers?
Let us pick our top choice for our Brewers Gymnastics Team to take the mat at each event.
(Wong, after displaying his insane flexibility and balance, has been deemed ineligible for this competition on grounds of being too good.)
Floor: Brent Suter
Easiest choice by far here.
Suter wiped out making a pitch last September, but showed incredible grace and somersault ability in the process. There’s no question as to who I want on the floor exercise.
Plus, Simone Biles even acknowledged his greatness.
Pommel horse: Tyrone Taylor
I’m not going to lie here, I have no idea about what exact skills go into being good at the pommel horse aside from *checks notes* being absurdly strong and agile and having abs that are literal granite and hips that can merengue like Jake after a couple of margaritas on a Friday night. Let’s roll with Ty Tay.
Rings: Big Dan Vogelbach
Rings are the best gymnastics event for showcasing your biceps because, well, it includes a large amount of people staring at your biceps. And look at this man.
Think he looks good in a baseball jersey? Wait til we throw in Man Leotard.
Vault: Fred Peralta
Alright. So we need someone who can sprint fast, launch themselves off a platform into the air, do a bunch of flips and then stick a landing? I considered Luis Urias, Corey Ray, Avisail Garcia, Lorenzo Cain and Angel Perdomo (for comedic purposes, mostly) but for some reason, vaulting gives off extreme Freddy vibes.
Parallel bars: Lorenzo Cain
Lorenzo Cain is well-known for his flying abilities in robbing homers and there’s gotta be some dad strength in there (he has three kid$, in case you weren’t aware). Lo Cain would excel on the parallel bars.
Horizontal bar: Avisail Garcia
Garcia, despite being 6-foot-4 and around 230-240 pounds, Garcia is in the 90th percentile for sprint speed. He’s also in the 90th percentile for hard-hit rate. He’s a freak athlete. I have no idea if he’s a good fit for the horizontal bar (what, this isn’t a gymnastics newsletter) but I’d be remiss to not get Avi in my lineup.
Here, watch some filth.
~Curt
Wash away the woes of a bad Monday of baseball with these sweet, sweet pitches.
