Rich People Conversations: Les Misérables is really about the Twins and Yankees
This newsletter took a weird turn.
~ Tom
Not gonna lie, this newsletter took a weird turn.
I (Tom) was assigned to write the headlining story for this said week. So, of course, I waited until Curt and Jake went to bed to start pounding out some words and … it turned out like this.
Sorry, guys.
This newsletter was written merely minutes after watching “Les Miserables” (2012). Yep, that’s the one where Wolverine sings for three hours. If my piece this week is depressing or if I belt out in song in the middle of a blurb, you’ll know why.
Pardon me, monsieurs and mademoiselles, but can we dive into this masterpiece for a few paragraphs? I’ll be quick, I promise. (Editor’s note: He won’t be.)
I just found out this movie has a 69% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. First of all, nice. But secondly, excuse me? The same site that gave “Freaky Friday” an 88% rating?! Look, I’ll admit I had Lindsay Lohan posters in my childhood bedroom, but that’s just preposterous.
By far the saddest part of the movie (or musical, for all you theater purists) is the character arc of Eponine. Or, should I say, the arc that is more like the “Scorpion’s Tail” at the Ark. Real ones know. For those who don’t, let’s just say it’s like Bernie Brewer after a Christian Yelich bomb.
My main gal Eponine takes “friend zone” to the next level. Eponine is convinced she’s soulmates with a man named Marius Pontmercy, who is as courageous as he is charming, until he makes eye contact with a mysterious blonde girl at the farmer’s market. Without a second thought, Eponine risks her life searching for this blue-eyed wonder, finds her, hooks her up with Marius and sings a three-minute ballad that would make a Sarah McLachlan playlist sound like Pharell Williams.
AND THEN, OH YEAH, *SPOILER ALERT* SHE TAKES A LITERAL BULLET FOR HIM.
I’m heated.
Marius never deserved her.
I mean, the last time I witnessed this level of commitment was back in the mid-2000s when former Twins pitching coach Rick Anderson was devoted to pitch-to-contact hurlers.
And how about her parents? Her mom was a pre-Azkaban Bellatrix Lestrange and her father was an 1830s French edition of Bobby Kielty (that’s a callback to last week’s newsletter, and not to toot my own horn but pretty darn accurate). Shoutout to our loyal subscribers.
The only other baseball-related thing I can compare Eponine’s pain to? First basemen watching their fellow infielders throw the ball around the horn after a strikeout. Just devastating levels of loneliness.
So, Tom, what does this have to do with baseball? IS LES MIS A BASEBALL MOVIE?
Well, it has nothing to do with baseball. But because I just watched this movie and have nothing else to do with my time in #QuarantineSZN besides catching sea bass in Animal Crossing, I wrote up a mini baseball musical … or tragedy? … for you all.
[stage lights dramatically fade out]
In order for there to be a revolution, two things need to happen: 1) perceived oppression between two groups of people and 2) a lot of flag waving.
There’s definitely a dynamic of oppression in the American League between the New York Yankees and our beloved Minnesota Twins.
Since 2003, the Yankees and Twins have matched up in the postseason six times. New York has won all five series, plus the 2017 wild-card game, in dominant fashion -- 16 wins, two losses.
Yes, that’s embarrassing. But so is spending hours and hours transforming “Les Miserables” songs into Twins-related lyrics.
One casting note: Max Kepler is definitely Eddie Redmayne’s character (Marius Pontmercy) here, because let’s face it: Every female during the French Revolution was wearing a Pontmercy jersey.
[stage lights flicker on]
We begin our mini musical similar to how “Les Miserables” begins -- a scene featuring the disgruntled protagonist with great facial hair (in this case, Joe Mauer) falling to the great power that is the Bronx Bombers once again.
“One Down, Two Down”
One down, two down
Here comes Sandman in the final frame
One down, two down,
Another season ends in shame
Now, catcher Number 7 with the sideburns
Your time is up -- when will you ever learn?
You know what that means
“Yes, it means we’re free”
No. Your divisional banner will be hung with disdain
We will forever be your Bane
You will never beat the pinstripes
And to your contract, fans will gripe
“But I won an MVP”
Oh yeah? How are those knees?
You didn’t sign with us
You had your chance
You will feel our rage with every turn
Yes, catcher Number 7 with the sideburns
Just like Victor Hugo’s masterpiece, our story doesn’t get much brighter from here on out. Our protagonist wasn’t as effective in battle for the next decade and fell two more times to the mighty Yankees before retiring.
A new era of the Twins organization arose later in the decade with a bit more swagger and pop in their bats. But even they fell to the Yankees. Again.
Just when all hope was diminishing in the Twins’ ranks, a new hero emerged: a veteran slugger named Josh Donaldson, who agreed to fight on with Minnesota. He reenergizes the movement and the revolution gains momentum once again.
“Do You Hear The Twinkies Sing?”
Do you hear the Twinkies sing?
Singing the songs of nine angry men
It is the music of the lineup that
Will not be slashed by Yanks again
When the waving of our Hankies
Matches the crack of Kepler’s bat
We will beat the damn Yankees
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join our revenge?
Will you make the ghost of Mauer proud?
That was a fair ball back in ‘09
If played in front of the Dome crowd
Then join in the fight
That will get you to the ALCS!
And that’s it, folks. I’m going to get fired from this newsletter staff. Good thing they can’t take away my subscription. Muahaha.