Rich People Conversations: Backyard Baseball 2001 draft
We practiced social distancing for years playing this game anyway.
Hello there, subscribers.
We’re sliding back into your inboxes for another weekly edition of “Rich People Conversations.” Since there’s a lack of professional baseball being played right now (and that’s all we’ll say about that topic), we decided to turn back the clock and revisit where our love for the sport of baseball began.
Backyard Baseball 2001.
As kids, Curt, Jake and I spent hours on hours playing this classic computer game. Any time I wasn’t emulating Torii Hunter catches in my room or taping Joe Mauer sideburns to my face, I was probably playing Backyard Baseball on our dusty, old computer.
Aside from the dozens of original “Backyard kids” characters, every MLB team had a player featured in the 2001 game. Jeromy Burnitz represented the Crew and Marty Cordova donned a Twins cap. Oof.
Anyway, we decided to kill some time while social distancing by holding a three-team Backyard Baseball 2001 draft. Into the war room we go!
TEAM NAMES
The first step, of course, was to choose a team name from the provided adjectives (like “blue” or “crazy”) and classic mascots (like “Hornets” or “Bombers”). Here’s what we came away with:
Curt: Humongous Wombats
Jake: Super Duper Monsters
Tom: Mighty Melonheads
HOME FIELD
Next up, we picked our home park from the eight options -- Steele Stadium, Park Dept. #2, Cement Gardens, Tin Can Alley, Eckman Acres, Dirt Yards, Sandy Flats and Playground Commons.
Curt: Cement Gardens. I’m just imagining my first-round pick (teaser alert) running rampant in this wacky park with no left field fence and a never ending wall in left. The pizza box home plate is truly iconic. I don’t remember how they determine what’s a dinger and what’s a double to left field, but I’m just imagining Pablo Sanchez cranking one 400 feet to left and it’s called a double and that seems maddeningly hilarious.
Jake: Playground Commons. When I think of Backyard Baseball, this is the first park I think of. Yeah, sure I remember Steele Stadium. I remember the nasty sandy ones. Tin Can Alley has some fun parts, but here’s the deal: My team is diving for balls and swiping bags, I’m not trying to lose anyone to skinned knees or the worst raspberries you could ever imagine.
Tom: Steele Stadium. My squad is going to hit dingers. So, why not play half of my games at a field where the center field wall is literally 30 feet behind second base? And there’s no better feeling than porking a pitch into the pool in left field. Splash. I’m just happy the evergreen trees in the outfield haven’t been taken down yet (*cough cough Target Field cough cough*).
THE DRAFT
The draft order was determined by guessing how many runs Barry Bonds scored in 2001 (it’s 129, which is ASTOUNDINGLY low considering he hit 73 bombs, walked 177 times and doubled another 32). Jake was closest, then Curt and then Tom.
Only Backyard kids were allowed and we used the ratings found here. That means no pro players. Sorry, Marty.
FIRST ROUND
Super Duper Monsters (Jake): Pablo Sanchez (10 batting, 9 running, 5 pitching, 10 fielding)
It’s fun to be an original thinker, but if you have the first pick in a Backyard Sports game you’re taking Pablo Sanchez. End of story.
Humongous Wombats (Curt): Pete Wheeler (8, 10, 2, 7)
Look, unlike the first pick, there were certainly different options here to actually consider. I could’ve nabbed pitching or another one of the 10-overall hitters like Achmed Khan or an all-around sound player like Luanne Lui. But let’s be real here. Every single Backyard Baseball player in every single draft would take Pete Wheeler right after Pablo Sanchez was nabbed off the board.
Mighty Melonheads (Tom): Achmed Khan (10, 7, 2, 5)
There’s not a cooler nickname in the game than the “Axeman.” When Khan hits it, he hits it.
SECOND ROUND
MM: Amir Khan (7, 6, 9, 4)
Every neighborhood has a less-talented younger sibling who tags along with his or her older sibling to backyard games. (Yes, that was me.) I probably selected Amir too high, even when considering that both brothers get boosted stats for being on the same roster. But the younger Khan can hurl it, so he’ll be the Melonheads’ opening day starter.
HW: Keisha Phillips (9, 9, 4, 6)
I went back and forth between Keisha and Luanne Lui here before ultimately settling on Keisha here. Keisha provided everything I was looking for. She gives my offense an elite bat on top of the best OBP machine in the game. With these two picks, I’ve also got plenty of speed and fielding ability. While Lui is a great pitcher and overall player, I figured I could nab pitching with my next pick, whereas finding a player with Keisha’s bat+speed+fielding combo in the third round wouldn’t be possible.
SDM: Luanne Lui (6, 10, 9, 10)
Time for a secret. Ready? Shh. Don’t tell anyone. But...[looks around]...Luanne Lui is every bit as good as Pablo Sanchez. OK, sure, she doesn’t have the same boomstick, but Luanne is ELITE in the field, steals bags and has a cannon for an arm. She’ll do some pitching for us but don’t be surprised to see Luanne chasing down balls in a spacious center field, either. I stan for Byron Buxton, a guy with elite speed and defensive ability and an up-and-down bat. I also stan for Luanne.
THIRD ROUND
SDM: Stephanie Morgan (8, 7, 5, 8)
When I was little, I was convinced Stephanie Morgan was a pro ballplayer just like Derek Jeter or Larry Walker. Then I saw her in Backyard Soccer and realized, well, that she maybe wasn’t real. She’s a tone-setter who can play anywhere. I said we’re diving for balls and swiping bags, right? Stephanie “Don’t Call Me Joe” Morgan is going to make sure that happens.
HW: Angela Delvecchio (8, 4, 10, 1)
We all know Angela Delvecchio is one of the best pitchers in the game, but am I the only one that had forgotten how good of a bat she’s got? Not only did I get one of three pitchers tied for the best rating in the game (9), but I got the one with the highest hitting rating, as well, and as the third pitcher off the board.
MM: Annie Frazier (9, 8, 1, 6)
Good thing we don’t have a dress code in this league. Frazier tears up the base paths even with those sandals she’s always wearing.
FOURTH ROUND
MM: Jocinda Smith (10, 5, 3, 8)
Smith might be the Steal of the Draft™. She’s one of four Backyard kids with a 10-rating in hitting and will be the best fielder (... by far) on my roster. Pencil her in the cleanup spot, por favor.
HW: Sally Dobbs (7, 7, 7, 7)
No lie: I really wanted Jocinda with this pick but Tom is a bad friend. Mikey Thomas was my other consideration, but in the end I got an above-average player across the board who can quite literally do it all for my team, including back up on the mound.
SDM: Mikey Thomas (10, 4, 4, 7)
I was honestly astonished Mikey fell to me. He crushes balls and makes it look easy doing so. Admittedly, lefty power guys are going to see a little dip at Playground Commons because of the giant effing fence in right field, but my guy has power to all fields. He’s the anti-Stephanie Morgan in the energy department, so there’s mild concern in the clubhouse, but a good manager (check out pick #18 for more on that) will help that.
FIFTH ROUND
SDM: Ernie Steele (5, 6, 7, 10)
The Monsters are committed to not committing errors and Ernie will be our rock in that regard. A 10 in the defensive department, my guy also can throw a bit and has sneaky speed. He has a projectible, Nerlens Noel-like frame, so I’m hoping by fourth or fifth grade, he’ll be able to tap into that potential and take advantage of a short porch in left field. If nothing else, he’s going to have a field day playing at Cement Gardens with the opening on the left side.
HW: Tony Delvecchio (7, 6, 3, 7)
With Angela, Keisha and Sally on the roster, I could now completely ignore pitching and focus on the other three categories. Dimitri Petrovic sure can mash, but the sum of Tony Delvecchio’s parts was tops on the board.
MM: Dmitri Petrovic (8, 7, 1, 3)
Baseball is an analytics-driven game, right? Well, the Melonheads now have the smartest kid on the block. When he’s not hitting dingers over the short center field wall at Steele Stadium, Petrovic will be designing an elementary version of Houston’s “Codebreaker.”
SIXTH ROUND
MM: Ronny Dobbs (7, 6, 7, 3)
We’ve got some big personalities in the clubhouse (see Petrovic, Dimitri and Khan, Achmed) so I thought I’d bring in all-around nice guy Ronny Dobbs. I’m just glad I was able to separate him from his older sister, Sally. Eight-year-old Tom hated Sally Dobbs.
HW: Billie Jean Blackwood (8, 6, 4, 4)
This is literally the first time I’ve ever picked Billie Jean Blackwood in any Backyard setting. But an 8 bat and 6 run in the sixth round? I’m fine hiding that 4 fielding rating at second base at that cost.
SDM: Ricky Johnson (1, 8, 5, 5)
Ricky Johnson is my favorite Backyard athlete, period. He captained the Super Duper Monsters to dozens of Backyard Soccer championships back in the day and has been on every Backyard roster I’ve ever created. It was a risk leaving him so late, but I knew Curt and Tom wouldn’t respect him the way I do. Ricky is stepping in as player-manager. He has his hands full with quite the mix of personalities, but there’s no one I’d rather have take on the challenge.
SEVENTH ROUND
SDM: Marky Dubois (6, 5, 4, 7, 8)
Ricky Johnson’s birthday is Valentine’s Day and Marky Dubois’ nickname is Cooties. That’s literally the only thought that went into this pick.
HW: Maria Luna (6, 7, 3, 7)
I considered taking Maria Luna over Tony Delvecchio two rounds ago, so, uh, welcome to the Wombats, Maria Luna?
MM: Ashley Webber (5, 7, 6, 3)
Not gonna lie, eight-year-old Tom had a crush on Ashley Webber. Who didn’t?
EIGHTH ROUND
MM: Sidney Webber (5, 7, 6, 3)
Just like Joe Mauer and T.I.’s song “What You Know,” the Webber twins are inseparable. Gimme that sibling stat boost all day long.
Look, it was slim pickings at this point but my expectation is that Crockett’s speed will help us grind out some runs.
Ricky and I are building this team around speed and fielding and would lookie here, with the 24th pick we get someone that has 9 running and 10 fielding? Easy pick every day of the week. Maybe some would be concerned about having two people with a 1 in the hitting column (Vicki and my best pal Rick) but I’m not. When this game came out, we were in the midst of watching a Twins team that was fifth in the league in stolen bases (146 in 2001!) and batting average (.272). I built this team with the Cristian Guzman mindset: put the ball in play and run it out.
(Side note: This man somehow led the bigs in triples three times.)
NINTH ROUND
SDM: Kenny Kawaguchi (3, 8, 7, 4)
Kenny is a great morale guy, especially with Vicki on the team. Plus my dude has absolute wheels. Well, yes, literally, but also figuratively. An 8 on the speed rating will work for me.
HW: Reese Worthington (3, 8, 4, 8)
Of the even more slim pickings available with my last pick, I ended up taking Reese “Don’t Call Me Witherspoon” Worthington because of his high-end fielding rating. Little man’s got a cannon.
MM: Gretchen Hasselhoff (2, 8, 6, 4)
Gretchen always seemed like she snorted nine Pixy Stix and took four shots of Mountain Dew before every game. The Melonheads can use that energy late in ball games.
**Jorge Garcia and Dante Robinson were not listed and, thus, not drafted.
PROJECTED LINEUPS
DRAFT ANALYSIS
Super Duper Monsters
Curt: Pablo Sanchez alone makes the Monsters the, well, Monstars. His top four is a pretty good top four, I must say, but good luck getting much much from the bottom half of that order. I’m also walking Pablo every time he comes up to the plate. I don’t think we can account for how much Stephanie Morgan’s clubhouse presence will help.
Tom: My butt cheeks are going to clench every time the “Secret Weapon” digs into the box. He’s that scary. I also like Jake’s move of batting Pablo leadoff like he’s 2019 Mitch Garver. The bottom of the order might be a problem, but the Monsters will be Super Duper in the field.
Humongous Wombats
Jake: The top three here is terrifying. Any defense with Pete roaming the outfield is a bad time for contact-focused teams like the Monsters. Keisha is always underrated and is going to smack a ton of balls off my right-field fence. Not looking forward to that. After that, I’m not afraid of anybody named Billie Jean Blackwood or Lisa Crockett. Reese Worthington could be a problem for the Monsters behind the dish, though.
Tom: I completely forgot about Reese Worthington. That dude was a legend in Backyard Soccer. Curt’s team is probably the most balanced, although he’s got my two least favorite characters in the game -- Sally Dobbs and Billie Jean Blackwood.
Mighty Melonheads
Curt: I’m still fuming over not getting Jocinda Smith in the fourth round but I have nobody to blame but myself. The Melonheads will take you deep at the top six of the order and the Webbers are better together, but, uh, Tom better hope his pitching strikes literally everyone out because his defense is an absolute issue. Only one of the top 15 fielders are on the Melonheads.
Jake: The Melonheads are the all-name team. That was clear from the moment Tom dibsed “Melonheads.” This whole team is full of people I totally forgot were good. I laughed when Tom drafted Dimitri Petrovich, then I realized he’s a destroyer of worlds. The Webbers are underrated by everyone (including Humongous Entertainment). The Khans are elite and I just totally forgot about them. Good news for the Monsters is the Melonheads are like the Mudhens (mine and Tom’s Thursday night league team)--they can’t field a lick. Also, given the Melonheads’ proclivity for siblings, I can’t believe the Monsters walked out of this with both Kawaguchis.